Why Protecting Your Health and Values Feels So Isolating (But Pays Off Later)
Amsterdam, April 26th. King’s Day.
The whole Dutch territory is draped in orange, spilling into the streets, music and drinks flowing. Normally I’d be part of it, but this year, I’m not. Not because I’m an anti-social grinch, but because I no longer enjoy the chaos, the crowds and the poisoning of my body, which typically happen at these events. And, truthfully, I’m still tilted by a raw convo I had with a close friend the day before.
It took me 30 years, a burning passion for the life I’m building, and this friendship clash to realize something essential:
When you stand firm in your life choices, you don’t just test yourself, you test the people around you.
Every time you change, the people in your life are asked to confront that change alongside you. And sometimes, they won’t or they just can’t.
The Dinner That Wasn’t Just Dinner
A few weeks ago, my friend invited me to dinner. She’s deep in the exhausting, beautiful chaos of new motherhood. I’m in a chapter of focused growth, building my business, protecting my health, and choosing long-term alignment over short-term pleasure.
Before coming to dinner, I announced that I wouldn’t be drinking. Not a big deal to me, but a choice tied to my values. What I didn’t see was how my “no thanks” touched something deeper in her. It reminded her of early motherhood, when she couldn’t drink. Not because she chose to, but because she had no other choice. It triggered memories of freedom lost.
Her joking remarks, “You’re not a team player,” “You’re lost forever”, brushed against my own sensitivities. I heard judgment. I felt dismissed. And in a moment of self-protection, I withdrew from that dinner entirely, telling myself “I don’t need friendships that make me feel like this.”
But here’s the truth: we were both bumping into old wounds. She was longing for the connection we once had; I was fiercely guarding the boundaries I’ve fought hard to build.
Why This Happens When You Grow
Friendships change, with you. Sometimes they evolve together, other times, sadly, they drift apart. When your life and habits start moving in a new direction, the dynamics of your relationships do too.
But when old habits (which you’re working on shedding) may be tied to specific friendships that keep that old version of you alive, what happens to the friendships?
Here’s some science for ya:
1. Growth Can Feel Like Betrayal
Key idea: When you stop abandoning yourself, others may feel abandoned by you because you’ve changed the “rules” of the relationship.
- Boundaries theory & relational rule change
→ Classic work showing how setting boundaries forces a redefinition of relationship expectations, which can be experienced as loss or betrayal by others. (Cloud, H., & Townsend, J., 1992). - Attachment & expectation theory
→ Shows that attachment styles influence how people perceive changes in relationship behaviors; secure bonds adapt better, insecure bonds often interpret change as threat. (Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S., 2017).
2. Guilt Comes with the Territory
Key idea: Disappointing others is uncomfortable at first, but betraying your own values has longer-term psychological costs.
- Self-determination theory (SDT)
→ Demonstrates that autonomous, self-concordant actions increase well-being, while acting from guilt/obligation can harm mental health. (Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M., 2000) - Cognitive dissonance
→ Choosing against your own values creates dissonance, which persists until behavior realigns with internal beliefs. (Festinger, L., 1957).
Psychology backs this up: setting boundaries, changing priorities, or breaking old patterns can trigger resistance in others. Not because they’re bad people, but because change forces everyone to adjust, and most people prefer emotional autopilot.
3. Different Battles, Different Needs
Key idea: Two people can both be right and still be incompatible in certain seasons of life.
- Life course theory
→ People’s priorities shift based on life stage; conflicts arise when different stages demand different relational investments. (Elder, G. H., & Shanahan, M. J., 2006). - Relational dialectics
→ Friendships are built on ongoing tension between autonomy and connection; when one person shifts toward autonomy, tension increases. (Baxter, L. A., & Montgomery, B. M., 1996).
Biological & Neuroscience Angle
- Polyvagal Theory
→ Nervous systems seek safety through predictability; when someone changes behavior, it can trigger threat responses even in safe relationships. (Porges, S. W., 2011). - Social baseline theory
→ Humans expect certain emotional resources from close relationships; change disrupts the “baseline,” which can cause stress. (Beckes, L., & Coan, J. A., 2011).
The Scarcity Trap in Friendships
If you’ve ever thought, I’ll just bite my tongue so we don’t fight, or I can’t lose this friend, even when the friendship isn’t supporting your growth, you’re reasoning from scarcity. You’re holding onto a relationship not because it’s healthy, but because you fear the emptiness that comes after.
Flashing red light!
A friendship that only survives when you compromise your values is not a friendship, it’s a contract for self-betrayal.
The Loneliness Before the Upgrade
Yes, when you set boundaries and honor your own priorities, you’ll lose people. Your social circle might shrink. The invites may slow down.
But this is not failure. You’re making space for relationships that match your wave length, your values, and your vision.
The loneliness is temporary. What comes next is worth it:
- Friendships rooted in mutual respect.
- Communities where you don’t have to shrink or sacrifice yourself.
- A self-worth that isn’t negotiable.
Finding People on Your Wavelength
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to do this alone.
That’s exactly why it’s important to surround yourself with a community that understands what it means to protect your health, pursue your goals, and live without apology.
No guilt-tripping. No “you’ve changed”/”you’re lost” comments. But support, connection, and shared momentum toward the life you actually want to live.
If you’re ready to swap scarcity-based friendships for abundant, aligned ones, come join us. You’ll leave with memories, ignited self-belief and growth-buddies that will hopefully transform into life-long friendships.
Kris x
References:
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “What” and “Why” of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Elder, G. H., & Shanahan, M. J. (2006). The Life Course and Human Development. In Lerner, R. M. (Ed.), Handbook of Child Psychology (6th ed., Vol. 1). Wiley.
Baxter, L. A., & Montgomery, B. M. (1996). Relating: Dialogues and Dialectics. Guilford Press.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Beckes, L., & Coan, J. A. (2011). Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotion and Economy of Action. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(12), 976–988.
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